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First Good News I’ve Had Since I Nailed bin Laden,’ President Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A jubilant President Barack Obama said that tonight’s Republican forum was “the best debate ever,” calling it “the first good news I’ve had since I nailed bin Laden.”

Mr. Obama watched the debate surrounded by advisors in the White House Situation Room, where the mood was said to be tense “up until the first time Rick Santorum opened his mouth.”

“I’m not a big TV watcher,” Mr. Obama said, “but that debate had to be the most entertaining two hours I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing.”

Mr. Obama confirmed that he had DVRd the debate for future screenings at the White House, which tonight was the site of a spectacular fireworks display in the moments after the debate’s conclusion.

Among the debate’s highlights, CNN’s John King asked each of the four candidates to define themselves using only one word.

Romney: “Asshat.”

Santorum: “Douche.”

Gingrich: “Blimp.”

Paul: “High.”

In a lighter moment, Sen. Santorum told what he said was his favorite joke: “A Kenyan, a Muslim and a socialist walk into a bar. And then he makes everyone get an abortion.”

And Mr. Gingrich scored points with this comment on education: “We should leave no child behind, only wives.”

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"A serious attack on our civil liberties is underway in Congress. Congress is passing the National Defense Authorization Act, which contains a provision that allows the President to authorize the military to detain anyone suspected of ‘terrorism’ indefinitely, inside or outside the United States, without trial. Congressional leaders are now meeting in secret, and some want this passed into law within the next few weeks.

The Committee to Stop FBI Repression urges you to contact your U.S. Senator and tell them to vote against “indefinite detention without trial.”

We need to do everything in our power to push back against repression. Under the guise of the preventing ‘terrorism’ our democratic rights are being taken away. We have seen this in the case of the 24 anti-war and international solidarity activists who were raided by the FBI and/or called to the grand jury investigating “material support for Foreign Terrorist Organizations.” And we have seen this in the prosecution of veteran Chicano activist Carlos Montes.

Over the past decade this repression has led to the jailing or deportation of thousands of Arabs and Muslims. We need to say enough is enough.

This happened before in 1942, when President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered the U.S. military to round up 120,000 Japanese Americans in concentration camps, without charges or trials. Years later a U.S. government commission called this a result of “race prejudice, war hysteria, and a failure of political leadership.” It was wrong then and it is wrong now.

Let your U.S. Senators and President Obama know: “I do not want indefinite detention without trial to become law.”
Contact your Senator here:
http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm
Call President Obama at 202-456-1111"

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[I]n private, Boehner seems to hold a different view. Politico reports that in a closed-door GOP meeting this morning, Boehner referred to an extension of the payroll tax holiday as “chicken-shit,” saying he wanted to tack on unrelated legislation favored by Republicans to make it palatable:

GOP leadership told its membership at a closed-door meeting Friday morning it would couple with the expiring tax provisions an easing of environmental regulations on boilers, selling broadband spectrum and paving the way for the controversial Keystone XL pipeline. […]

Speaker John Boehner referred to the package he’s putting forward as turning “chicken-sh — into chicken salad,” according to people attending the meeting in the Capitol basement Friday morning.

Translated, he’s going to pass President Barack Obama’s preferred tax cut, but he wants some skin from Democrats for it.

So which is it? Does Boehner actually believe in extending the payroll tax holiday for the middle class, or is that “chicken-shit”? An extension of the payroll tax holiday would help 95 percent of working families, but would disproportionately benefit working and middle-class people, as there’s a cap that prevents wealthy people from being taxed on anything they make over about $100,000.

Last night, Republicans in the Senate killed a Democratic bill that would have extended the middle-class tax holiday while raising taxes slightly on just the wealthiest 0.4 percent of Americans.

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“I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death,” said Frank Luntz, a Republican strategist and one of the nation’s foremost experts on crafting the perfect political message. “They’re having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism.”

Luntz offered tips on how Republicans could discuss the grievances of the Occupiers, and help the governors better handle all these new questions from constituents about “income inequality” and “paying your fair share.”

Yahoo News sat in on the session, and counted 10 do’s and don’ts from Luntz covering how Republicans should fight back by changing the way they discuss the movement.

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Pollster Frank Luntz, arguably the most important message maker in the conservative movement, says he is scared of the Occupy movement because protesters are “having an impact on what the American people think of ‘capitalism,’” according to an account of a session he hosted at the Republican Governors Association in Florida Wednesday.

Yahoo News’ Chris Moody sat in on the meeting with Luntz at the Republican governors’ conference in Florida yesterday. Luntz’s advice for Republicans as reported by Moody is worth a very close look because we’ll likely be hearing variations on his talking points from GOP politicians for the next year (at least).

Famous for rebranding the “estate tax” the “death tax,” Luntz offered a couple of ways to soften the rhetoric of right-wing economic policies and at the same time make policies favored by many occupiers sound harsh or militant. First, he advised, don’t talk about “capitalism.” Instead talk about “economic freedom” or the “free market.” And:
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"Sunday morning the MSNBC program “Up w/ Chris Hayes” revealed the sinister and cynical Republican plot to smear and intimidate supporters of the Occupy movement. The smear campaign was proposed by a well known Washington lobbying firm with links to the financial industry and heavy hitting Republican politicians, including Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner."